What do you love to do? … Are you doing it?
Who do you love to be around? … Are you with them?
What is your body telling you? … Are you listening?
I’ve never experienced more distraction than when I live in New York City. There’s no rest. Even when the pajamas and bunny slippers are on and I’m in bed watching T.V; my mind is ACTIVE. ON. ALIVE haha. I’ve found that the more I try to plug into the world around me, I quite literally, lose everything I’ve been working for. Any projects on the table nearly disappear. All the friends in the city I promise to meet…well I don’t. Ha.
I will say also, especially in today’s culture, there is a HUGE desire for detoxing your body. Also filling it with frou-frou expensive teas and half-assed meditation. Oh oh oh and don’t forget blaming everything on the moon and shitty two sentence horoscopes in the magazines. We fall for everything and then lose everything. A huge statement, yeah I know. But it’s so easy to become DISTRACTED. Distracted from yourself. So I can’t help but ask….why can’t we focus on what’s important?
Yeah, its easier said than done. Trust me I know lol. But I’ve gained a few tips here and there over my years of micro experience. How many times a day do I check instagram randomly and for no reason? Oh, probably a thousand times. And every time I open and close the app under a minute, an array of images are fed into my brain. Models. Photoshopped stomachs. Whitened teeth. And even though I/We’re used to it…it doesn’t make it better. (I had and continue to have my fair share of issues with food and with my body. My psychotherapist in London even had me unfollow every account on Instagram that would post any pics like this. And it helped. It really really did.)
We should be feeding our bodies healthy foods. In moderation. Also fries and alcohol, if we fancy. In moderation. But it took me repeating self induced pain over and over again to realize there was more to it when it came to making Eva truly truly happy. I would spend four mornings every week at the gym. Against my body itching to stay in bed, I’d get up at 7:30 and gym it up for an hour and a half. And yeah it made my body feel good. BUT GUESS WHAT IT WASN’T ENOUGH.
But why? I was doing everything. I was doing what the magazines and my nutritionist were telling me. (Also making myself sick sometimes even ten times a day…not good) So why the FUCK was my brain still in a funk?
It took me many panic attacks, failed relationships and failed attempts to find something else that would feed Eva the way she needed to be fed. Despite ALL of it. Instagram. Astrology. Dieting. A $1000 Equinox membership. Buying the essentials in Vogue (which I didn’t do but sorta wished I did)…
I WAS STILL EMPTY, HUNGRY AND DESPERATE
Okay, Eva. Time for a change and time to realize what I really needed was the underlying message of everything that was surrounding me.
Here’s what I learned. It was a soft moment. In my new apartment in New York City. It was 4.30 am, or around that time. I had been crying for hours. It had been a very sensitive 24 hours. I had just lost something that I thought was the worst thing I could ever lose. But I was wrong.
I had completely lost myself.
I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror. Eckkkk. Puffy eyelids. Red face. Blotchy nose. Dry hair. Dry skin. Chapped lips. I was hideously pitiful. The guilt of the situation had taken all of my energy. The last bit of strength I had to give was gone. So, I was left at what I believed was my rock bottom. Which felt even worse. Who even was that fucking girl that had been crying for hours? Mini Eva, I pictured standing at the bottom of a dry and empty well, looked up to the beam of light and yelled up, “IT’S YOU! IT’S US! TIME TO FILL UP AGAIN, BABY.”
……..mhhhmmmm…It really does take rain for flowers to grow. I had tried it all. All the stuff that reached the skin. But never breached my soul. And my soul, that was strong and independent and wild….was ready for attention and grooming again. My body was ready for psychological nutrition. My brain was ready to learn. My heart never stopped loving. But it was ready to truly and deeply love its carrier first and foremost.
It was like learning to walk again. I was flipping over a new chapter in my life and the page was heavvvyyy. The changes that were happening were coming at me with speed and with force. I had no choice to but to be a sponge and take it all in. Like a mama bird pushes her babies to fly…I challenged myself to take every step with intention. Everyone was in my life to teach me something. My whole being sometimes would fall under attack from outside forces nibbling at my already weak confidence. And sometimes I’d falter. But most times, I’d push back. And when the next day came, she was stronger. I was stronger. It was a marvelously difficult and enriching time of growth and awakening. I stopped letting energies into my space that didn’t have the right intentions.
I taught myself how to breathe again. I kissed the last pages to an old chapter goodbye. Like holding a mini funeral/celebration, I simply acknowledged my personal journey. As painful as some moments were and were going to be…that I wouldn’t be where/who I am without them. That includes people. You know who you are.
And heyyyyy look, I’m still going. We all are. You are not alone. I’m right there with you when it comes to dealing with daily demons and finding healthy ways to release our emotions. I started writing music again. I started biking again. I started boxing again. I started scribbling poems or mini affirmations again. I started rebuilding.
From the floor up.
I felt, and I feel, nourished.
I feel full.
And I am still learning. Which is the best part! It’s okay to sometimes force a conversation with yourself. We are our harshest critics. And the human brain is a stubborn one. We teach ourselves bullshit lessons and start implementing them in parts of lives that slowly poison the way we see things. This is not a guilt trip. This is the way we were taught since we were children (AS WRITTEN BY THE BEAUTIFULLY INSPIRATIONAL AND LEGENDARY DON MIGUEL RUIZ IN THE FOUR AGREEMENTS).
So, with this blog!!!!??? What am I saying??!!! Ha. Live your life, human. Live your life, angel. Live your life, Goddess. Life your life, warrior. Life your life, lover. You are a part of the Universe in ways you don’t but mostly do know. Give ourself the things that you truly deserve. Feed your soul rich things. Feed your eyes natural beauty. Feed your brain kind things.
You are loved