Feed your Focus

What do you love to do? … Are you doing it?
Who do you love to be around? … Are you with them?
What is your body telling you? … Are you listening?

I’ve never experienced more distraction than when I live in New York City. There’s no rest. Even when the pajamas and bunny slippers are on and I’m in bed watching T.V; my mind is ACTIVE. ON. ALIVE haha. I’ve found that the more I try to plug into the world around me, I quite literally, lose everything I’ve been working for. Any projects on the table nearly disappear. All the friends in the city I promise to meet…well I don’t. Ha.

I will say also, especially in today’s culture, there is a HUGE desire for detoxing your body. Also filling it with frou-frou expensive teas and half-assed meditation. Oh oh oh and don’t forget blaming everything on the moon and shitty two sentence horoscopes in the magazines. We fall for everything and then lose everything. A huge statement, yeah I know. But it’s so easy to become DISTRACTED. Distracted from yourself. So I can’t help but ask….why can’t we focus on what’s important?

Yeah, its easier said than done. Trust me I know lol. But I’ve gained a few tips here and there over my years of micro experience. How many times a day do I check instagram randomly and for no reason? Oh, probably a thousand times. And every time I open and close the app under a minute, an array of images are fed into my brain. Models. Photoshopped stomachs. Whitened teeth. And even though I/We’re used to it…it doesn’t make it better. (I had and continue to have my fair share of issues with food and with my body. My psychotherapist in London even had me unfollow every account on Instagram that would post any pics like this. And it helped. It really really did.)

We should be feeding our bodies healthy foods. In moderation. Also fries and alcohol, if we fancy. In moderation. But it took me repeating self induced pain over and over again to realize there was more to it when it came to making Eva truly truly happy. I would spend four mornings every week at the gym. Against my body itching to stay in bed, I’d get up at 7:30 and gym it up for an hour and a half. And yeah it made my body feel good. BUT GUESS WHAT IT WASN’T ENOUGH.

But why? I was doing everything. I was doing what the magazines and my nutritionist were telling me. (Also making myself sick sometimes even ten times a day…not good) So why the FUCK was my brain still in a funk?

It took me many panic attacks, failed relationships and failed attempts to find something else that would feed Eva the way she needed to be fed. Despite ALL of it. Instagram. Astrology. Dieting. A $1000 Equinox membership. Buying the essentials in Vogue (which I didn’t do but sorta wished I did)…


Okay, Eva. Time for a change and time to realize what I really needed was the underlying message of everything that was surrounding me.

Here’s what I learned. It was a soft moment. In my new apartment in New York City. It was 4.30 am, or around that time. I had been crying for hours. It had been a very sensitive 24 hours. I had just lost something that I thought was the worst thing I could ever lose. But I was wrong.

I had completely lost myself.

I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror. Eckkkk. Puffy eyelids. Red face. Blotchy nose. Dry hair. Dry skin. Chapped lips. I was hideously pitiful. The guilt of the situation had taken all of my energy. The last bit of strength I had to give was gone. So, I was left at what I believed was my rock bottom. Which felt even worse. Who even was that fucking girl that had been crying for hours? Mini Eva, I pictured standing at the bottom of a dry and empty well, looked up to the beam of light and yelled up, “IT’S YOU! IT’S US! TIME TO FILL UP AGAIN, BABY.”

……..mhhhmmmm…It really does take rain for flowers to grow. I had tried it all. All the stuff that reached the skin. But never breached my soul. And my soul, that was strong and independent and wild….was ready for attention and grooming again. My body was ready for psychological nutrition. My brain was ready to learn. My heart never stopped loving. But it was ready to truly and deeply love its carrier first and foremost.

It was like learning to walk again. I was flipping over a new chapter in my life and the page was heavvvyyy. The changes that were happening were coming at me with speed and with force. I had no choice to but to be a sponge and take it all in. Like a mama bird pushes her babies to fly…I challenged myself to take every step with intention. Everyone was in my life to teach me something. My whole being sometimes would fall under attack from outside forces nibbling at my already weak confidence. And sometimes I’d falter. But most times, I’d push back. And when the next day came, she was stronger. I was stronger. It was a marvelously difficult and enriching time of growth and awakening. I stopped letting energies into my space that didn’t have the right intentions.

I taught myself how to breathe again. I kissed the last pages to an old chapter goodbye. Like holding a mini funeral/celebration, I simply acknowledged my personal journey. As painful as some moments were and were going to be…that I wouldn’t be where/who I am without them. That includes people. You know who you are.

And heyyyyy look, I’m still going. We all are. You are not alone. I’m right there with you when it comes to dealing with daily demons and finding healthy ways to release our emotions. I started writing music again. I started biking again. I started boxing again. I started scribbling poems or mini affirmations again. I started rebuilding.

From the floor up.

I felt, and I feel, nourished.

I feel full.

And I am still learning. Which is the best part! It’s okay to sometimes force a conversation with yourself. We are our harshest critics. And the human brain is a stubborn one. We teach ourselves bullshit lessons and start implementing them in parts of lives that slowly poison the way we see things. This is not a guilt trip. This is the way we were taught since we were children (AS WRITTEN BY THE BEAUTIFULLY INSPIRATIONAL AND LEGENDARY DON MIGUEL RUIZ IN THE FOUR AGREEMENTS).

So, with this blog!!!!??? What am I saying??!!! Ha. Live your life, human. Live your life, angel. Live your life, Goddess. Life your life, warrior. Life your life, lover. You are a part of the Universe in ways you don’t but mostly do know. Give ourself the things that you truly deserve. Feed your soul rich things. Feed your eyes natural beauty. Feed your brain kind things.

You are loved

Eva x

A fresh page in a big book

We all love fresh pages. We all love an empty, crisp new page in a notebook, or even on any typing app on your computer. Why? It encourages creativity. It persuades us to make mistakes and color them with our thoughts and ideas. It's healthy and it's new and it excites all of our senses. 

Lately I've realized how terrible I am at knowing when I have a new page. In times like now, where I reach for anger quicker, where my patience has run out and when I have enough free time to think about how much better I could be, I would never consider this to be a 'fresh page'. It's more overflowing with stress and pushing me into a corner where I can't think straight. I knew some change had to be made. I am quick to lash out. Especially to myself. I get angry easily at my body and I blame IT for my lack of work, lack of energy and inspiration. I'm angry at my head for thinking too quickly. It goes to the worst first and I don't aim to be like that. 

Nothing stupendous happened to have me realize a slight shift needed to happen. I just woke up. And i was tired of giving myself shit. I felt my body was warm from a good nights sleep. It was healthy and ready for a new day. I had a responsibility to dust the shit sprinkles off my brain and train it to be stronger. So I started small. And that was the first CLEAN page I had given myself  in a long time.

I realized they were everywhere.

New page when I woke up. New page after a workout or shower. New page when my favourite song came or when I ate something scrumptious. A new page when I sat in silence and saw something beautiful. My pages were everywhere and small or large as the chapters would be, it would all come together to catch up to today; twenty-two, happy, hormonal, fiesty, unemployed, travelling and in constant recovery.

It is a glorious feeling. Like reading a book you can't put down. It takes you up and down. Sometimes you have to put it down to take a breather. Totally, fine. And encouraged. 

I know this year is flying by, but life will too. We've learned far too much to keep putting ourselves in corners. Give yourself the gift of a fresh page. Create something. Or just simply be. Mess ups and all.

In relapse there is a fresh page. In heartbreak there will be a fresh page. And you are human. This isn't anything but a reminder to give yourself that grace period.

It IS okay. You WILL BE okay. Even in my pain. Even in your distress where you can't speak or leave the house, remember you have a new page waiting for you whenever you want it. And no one else can fuck with it. It's yours. It's yours. 



E x 




when the rug is pulled

As you all may know, Saigon sadly came to a close a few months ago. Yes, it was sad. Yes, I miss it. I miss Kim and the cast and the music with all of my heart.

Annnnddd yes. I’m ready to move on.

This post isn't going to be about Saigon. After four years, I dreamed about the freedom of cutting my hair, painting my nails and going wherever I wanted whenever I wanted. And it happened. I was traveling. Germany, London, NY and now I'm back home in North Carolina.  Lovely ol' North Cackalacky. And it's very strange. Not having the things in my life I've had the past four years; a job, a home, a routine and Leo being close(ish) is strange. I love traveling. For a while it was exhilarating living out of two luggages. But now? I'm ready to work. I feel unsteady. The auditions come in and I read the breakdowns and have a crisis that I believe most actors do at one point or more in their career. WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT TO DO? WHAT AM I DOING?

Haha. I had a breakdown sent into me for a classical musical role I could never imagine playing. I read it over and studied the music as best I could. All the while thinking, this doesn't feel right. I know I'm not suited and more importantly I don't want to. BUT, of course I went in. And guess what? IT WAS AWFUL. It was so shit, I walked through Times Square with tears rolling down my face as I was on the phone to Leo crying, "It's over. My career is over." It was that bad. No no no no it was so bad I recall laughing on the way OUT of the audition room. Yup. 

Anyway, I went back to my apartment that evening with an agenda for some serious thinking. Yeah yeah, Saigon was obviously going to play a huge role for what I do next. But was I ready for the next challenge? Were people going to see me for something more than I was? The biggest trial was accepting that I had no control over what was to come. But that's easier said than done. From speaking to a lot of my friends, I realized that we were all kind of...going through it. I don't know maybe it's the seasonal transition. LOL, we always blame weather. But something happened that woke me up from this dreamy transitional phase.

Relapsing isn't crazy. Sometimes it happens. And it's part of recovery. I'm not talking drugs/alcohol. I struggle with a different type of addiction. I had a bad day. Missing people. Feeling completely lost and strange about what was happening in life and future jobs etc. I had a bad relapse. I made myself sick once. And then again. And then again. Bleh bleh bleh I lost count of how many times around three in the afternoon. And I felt like shit the entire next day. Not only because there was nothing in my body but because I was so disappointed in myself. I had worked so hard over the past few years to NOT do these things. To NOT revert to my old ways. But I needed control over something in my life. And in the heat of emotion and lack of strength, I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I beat myself up the whole evening and the next day. My security rug was pulled right from under my feet. And I was falling into a black hole.  With no idea what the hell was going to happen next.

I called my therapist as I sobbed in bed (**By the way I know this may seem like a lot when you're reading, I apologize for triggering anybody.**) He said something really lovely. He said, "I'm proud of you for calling. Tonight show yourself some compassion." That stuck with me. I struggled to comprehend what that meant. Compassion? HAHAHA okay. The familiar and comfortable rug of life's three pillars were gone. And my way of handling it was...well...not handling it well haha.

I had two challenges in front of me. 

One - to accept that as much as I wanted to, I didn't have control over the events and situations life put me in. I DID have control over how I reacted. I had the choice to have a different perspective. Which I normally take for granted.

Two - Compassion. My therapist struck a nerve because he was right. I didn't know how to be compassionate to myself.

These two things were going to be the beginning of an amazing new chapter of discovering how to navigate through shit times in my life. To look it in the eyes and say YES THIS IS SHIT. Rather than wait for a light at the end of the tunnel. The light will come. Mustering the strength to put one foot in front of the other on a healthy path has to be the hard bit. A path of compasssiiiooonnnn. I know, I know...it's all crap we've heard before. And I completely underestimated how much of a weapon this was. 

So, my therapist and I had a good session. I allowed my friends to shower me with love. I allowed myself to get back in the gym to help heal my body. I gave myself permission to rest, say no and eat things that were going to make it feel good. I allowed myself to block out people who were toxic. People who I knew didn't have my best interests. They have no place for healing. Well, they shouldn't have a place generally. It's a slow process. And it's okay to be over emotional (Mercury is in retrograde-a-fecking-gain). When the rug is pulled from under your feet and you're falling, you're not going to know what is going to happen. Don't sink into the hole. Here's a crazy thought...what if there wasn't a hole? You have clearance to feel whatever. And to use your resources (Friends, family, health and anything that makes you happy) as much as you need to feel better.

I say it every time, but you're not alone. Relapsing is part of recovery. Don't look up to people and think they don't go through it too. We're in the same boat together. This is a reminder to find how to show yourself some compassion. It's an awkward discovery especially when you're not used to it. But when you find your groove you find peace. 

Thanks for reading guys. I love you all so much. I'm gonna try to post once every week and a half. Please let me know in the comment area if there's anything you guys wanna read. 



E x 

Don't Reinvent Yourself

Happy Holidays everyone! I feel like Thanksgiving came and hit us hard in the face. Leaving a lot of us feeling bloated from the carbs and a bit overwhelmed haha. 

This is my second December in Manhattan. But the first to be living alone. While my husband (UHUH YOU READ THAT RIGHT I KNOW AHHHH) is away in Germany touring, I'm here in the eye of the Christmas storm.  People everywhere, scrambling to get last minute presents. Ordering more shit on Amazon than they actually need. Giving away time, money and energy that to be honest, no one really has.  It's too hectic. I'm excited about this next chapter. I'm excited to spend Christmas with some of the Saigon cast. I'm excited (but very heartbroken) for Saigon to come to an end. It lets me close the amazing chapter with nothing but thankfulness and good memories. And also leaves the door wide open for future opportunities. I love Christmas. It's one of my favourite times of the year. This is my first minimalist Christmas. I'm not doing presents. I don't have the change to see family.  I have a tiny tree and the same decorations since 2014. It's simple. It's beautiful. I know it'll be different than Christmases past, but that's what's so exciting.  

But....when it comes to the New Year...I have an issue with it.

"In 2018 I'm going to __________."

Yeah, I've said it too and made my fair share of stupid resolutions that didn't make it past January 7th. But you know why?? BECAUSE THEY WERE RIDICULOUS. 

If I've learned anything these past few years it's seizing the moment we have in front of us and creating a healthy living environment. And I don't mean your home. Even though, I'm a huge interior design nerd. I mean in your head. I mean in your body.  Why are we desperate to reinvent yourself? Just think about all of the ridiculous goals we set ourselves. If I had a dollar for every time I told myself 'by ___ I wanna lose fifteen pounds', I'd have probably $130.  I once overheard a girl telling her friend that for 2018 she wanted to judge people less HAHAHAHA. What I wanted to scream in her face was "GIRL START NOW!"

We always have lessons to be learned. If we're constantly waiting for change, how are you ever going to be pleased with your present? What a terrible life to live. Always dissatisfied. What a huge waste of time. We have so much more power to grab those precious moments and run with them. To splash color on them. To document them and learn from them. After everything I've been through, I don't ever want to re-invent myself. I am who I am. I've always known that deep down. And so do you. You don't really want to change who you are and what you like/dislike. You don't really want to change what you look like. You only want these things because you THINK that's what everyone else wants from you. Don't give in to that. If you were to teleport into the head of the perfect girl you saw walking out of Bergdorf Goodman's, you'd still see the same insecurities. You'd still see the same desire to please the public eye. Knowing this and accepting this is a strong weapon. Use it. 

We are always set to feel ashamed of being original and being ourselves. We live in a world where a glossy paged magazine tells us how to look and what to wear. And deep down we feel the fight to remain connected to our unique selves.

Being a 'leading lady' comes with massive responsibility. But when you break it down, I'm not changing to become this. I'm not having to be someone different to be a 'leading lady'.  I'm just being myself. Unapologetically myself. And people who can't get on board with that, are just not worth my time. My time is too precious to fit and mold myself to be anything other than well...myself.  (If anything that should be your new goal; getting rid of toxic people like that) I'm not giving you shit for being tempted to change. I'm saying you don't need to. The grass actually isn't greener on the other side. Take care of your own damn grass. 

So, when you're downing your eighth glass of champagne (or to my minors, sparkling cider) and watching that ball drop, remember you're celebrating a year of incredible memories. But thank life for the shit ones too. Thank life for the amazing ones. Thank life for the constant education and the people you met. A day is a lot of time. It may not seem it in this busy busy time of the year. But humans love to create excuses. Remember you're celebrating a fresh new page of a new chapter in your memoir. It's incredible. And it's unapologetically original. 

Believing Is Seeing

Happy happy chilly chilly November my friends. I won’t apologize for posting in a while. Because frankly, there are more important things.  But I’m grateful that the cold is slowly sweeping into this crazy city. I love the cold. Its controllable. And it calms me and pacifies my crazy and sometimes overheated head of mine.  And boy, has it been overheated lately.


For those of you who get triggered by body image, body dysmorphic disorder or eating disorders, I urge you to read with caution

As I scroll through instagram it’s the same thing everyday. Skinny. Gym bunnies. Models. Lingerie. Six pack abs. Perfect hair. Perfect teeth. Perfect Makeup. Happy Smiles. I KNOW it’s all bullshit. But I look at it anyway. And it makes me feel disgusting. I am a healthy 21 year old. I don’t like having sugar in my house other than honey, fruits and my cookie tin. I eat greens, whole meals, no milk, no cheese and though I have alcohol in moderation I don’t over consume. I go to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. Doing a small vinyasa flow everyday no matter if its five minutes or thirty. I sleep well. Take vitamins and down water like an elephant.  But with Body Dysmorphia comes gripping depressions and false realities.

I look in the mirror and see what I’ve told myself I am.  Love handles. Fat flabby arms. Round childish face. I always joked about looking like an upside down triangle. I always joke about how I used to be a little tubby. I always joke. But it’s never really kidding. It’s always with a hint of truth. Doing a show that has so many pre-contracted psychological ties, it’s hard for me to step into those costumes and at least feel a little bit prepared for the emotional journey.  But as a leading lady, you have to suck it up and do your job. And faking it sometimes is even more tiring.

I want to explain this blog title. I was always very adamant on blind faith. Mainly because I grew up religious and I still think Santa Claus is real.  But I loved the idea of having so much faith in something you couldn’t really see. People use love as an example. But you see love clearly in very obvious ways. It’s constantly around you. You feel it, you hear it, you can even taste it (I’m talking about cake). But as much as I wanted to apply this to every aspect of my life, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t apply this to seeing myself as beautiful.  Not beauty standard beautiful. My own.  My mom would always say to me, ‘You’re so beautiful inside and out. And even if you don’t see it, just know that you are loved.” And during my teens I could scrape by with that. But now, as a grown ass woman, it ISN’T ENOUGH.  

That’s why I have this theory. Thanks hugely to my therapist hahahahaha. The other day, during the show I had a huge sweep of insecurity. I could feel my satin trousers I wear in the show slipping over my stomach and falling below my hips. I know I couldn’t do anything in the moment because, well, I was too busy belting my tits off. But my insides were churning with a desire to pull my pants up and cover my midsection and ‘love handles’.  And because the scene was preventing me not to, I felt almost sick to my stomach. And as I looked out to the audience of hundreds and hundreds of people I couldn’t help but get emotional. Pissed off. Angry. Frustrated. And a huge huge wave of sadness. Everything hit me. They’re looking at you. They’re all thinking you look fat and ugly. How are you the leading lady of this show? Leading ladies shouldn’t look like that…

I had my intermission where thankfully I was undisturbed and had a change to re-center and re-focus.  I looked in the mirror and heard my therapists English accent in my head, “Challenge yourself to acknowledge not what you hate about yourself, but some traits that you may appreciate. Maybe one day you won’t remember to see your dislikes. And you may realize how unimportant they are to your person.”

Hmmmm…okay. Well, I like my eyes. I like my hair. I like my neck. Meh. Hahaha and of course like anyone, complimenting your physical attributes didn’t last long for me. But you know what? I was calm. In that moment I didn’t look at myself with anger or disgust. I was just Eva.

I tried practicing this technique over the next few days. And even up until now. I even covered up my mirrors for a while and that helped me loads. Not being tempted to look at myself and pick apart my body.  I finally woke up one morning and felt amazing. I felt strong. I felt womanly. I could feel my body, full of curves and different colors and okay maybe some Autumnal leg hair but it felt GOOD. Lifting my head from the captivity of anxiety, I could see clearly. Not because I was free of my morphed beliefs. But because I finally tasted a spoonful of believing I was beautiful. And with that liberation I could see it. I could see past the Body Dysmorphic. 

I hate to shatter the glass.  It isn’t a guarantee that I’ll never suffer again. But the next time a mirror presents itself, and maybe that day I’m bloated, maybe that day my body hadn’t been to the gym in a week…I’ll be ready. I don’t want to look like Gigi Hadid. Even though we’re tempted by social media and all the shit out there. Keep strong friends. Cut the bullshit. Give yourself at least that. Believe that you are incredible the way you are. Believe that those thighs are beautiful. Your smile is beautiful. Believe that despite anything, you are made uniquely and you are sexy, stunning and strong. Maybe then you’ll see it clearly. Maybe then, you’ll see what matters.


E x 

Do you have a self-compassion deficiency?


Well, it’s been a while hasn’t it?  I have no excuse other than the lack of creativity haha. There has been this over-emotional bug in my system for the past few weeks and it’s been eating at my desire to believe I have anything interesting to say.  I’ve slowly gotten over it.  I came to realize that when I may go through stages of ‘being down’ that it isn’t the end of the world.  In fact, it’s those testing trials that allow me to understand myself more.  And with this chapter of life, I could write a book with how much I’ve learned.  

And I wanna share with you what I’ve come to terms with.  

I am slowly walking through the journey of accepting my body.  It is a tragically beautiful walk, but with my friends by my side I know I am not alone.  I understand how powerful it is to be a woman.  To have curves, to have hormones, to have breasts, to feel strong, to feel fragile, to cry, to belly laugh and my goodness so much more.  I’m slowly teaching myself self-compassion.  Which is a weird concept.  Aren’t we always the first to criticize and bully ourselves? It’s a safety thing.  We bully ourselves the best and then no one can tell us what we don’t already know

^ Speaking on that last sentence, what we think doesn’t always mean its true. Let me give you an example.  For those who suffer with body-dysmorphic, you may understand that the body and appearance you do have is different than the one you see in the mirror.  You already have a pre conceived image of yourself.  It can be anything.  I have fat arms. I have flabby love handles. I have a weird shaped face.  BUT, the people who love you would never tell you those things…simply because they don’t see it.  Burn your microscope.  Burn the assumptions.  Another example… ‘I texted her and she responded like that which means she's mad at me she has to be because earlier that day I responded to something she said weird and blah blah blah’.  STOP.  And start deconstructing your thoughts. I wake up in the morning, stretch and look in the mirror. ‘Ugh. I need to go to the gym. I look fat.’ But then I practice the technique.  Challenging my thoughts.  Deconstructing my thoughts. ‘Well, just because I think I’m fat it doesn’t mean it’s true.’ It sounds silly. But I promise you.  The power of speaking with self-compassion to yourself is something that will be strange.  We need to become more familiar with that language.  

Also, how many of you still micro manage every part of your life? I found myself starting to.  Micro-managing everything I said to people, how I said it, and then creating scenarios of ‘what could’ happen. It’s tiresome.  Micro managing everything from my calorie intake to how my arms look in a certain top.  I asked myself a few days into my funk…why am I giving these insignificant bits so much weight? I didn’t figure out the answer. I kind of realized I didn’t need the answer to come out of the other end stronger.  And that’s what I did.  I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that everything that I was, wasn’t good enough. I know. I’m preaching to the choir. Everyone is insecure.  And isn’t that the root of it all? 

Isn't insecurity so present in our lives? Doesn't insecurity sometimes drive us to be better and also drive us away from the important issues at hand? Im starting to force myself to acknowledge the hard truths of my short comings.  BUT, splitting the difference. I don't need to micro manage myself.  I don't have the control to manage anything outside of my reach.  However, I do have the power to control my reaction.  I have the power to control my perception of life and how I choose to live out each day to its utmost potential. Same goes for relationships.  I have the power to call my friends and meet up with them.  Rather than assuming they wouldn't want to hang out with me because I'm 'down'.  See what I mean now? Why do we allow ourselves to fill our brain and body with this toxic smoke?

I found simple techniques helpful.  But I'm open to how YOU train your heart to be compassionate. What are some ways you've learned to overcome micro-managing your insecurities and began to appreciate yourself? 

I know this may seem like a random, off spin and miscellaneous post.  But for me these are the main issues that have been circling my brain over the past few weeks. I love you guys.  Be kind to yourselves.  


E x


The rain today in Manhattan for me, is overdue.  I was caught in the thick of it coming from soul cycle as I made my way back home.  It gives me a cleansing feeling. I'm hyper-creative under a wet grey sky.  My head seems to come from out of my own ass and back straight atop of my shoulders.  Yes, you read that correctly. MY OWN ASS.

The Tony’s were incredible! It’s hard to describe. It was such an eventful evening. I find myself remembering the least impressive moments to be burned on my brain; shoving cake pops in my mouth at the Plaza with my boy, getting my makeup done before the performance and the utter happiness of seeing friends scattered about the night.  

Well, understandably you may ask….now what? Truthfully, I don’t know.  And guess what? That’s okay.  Why is it that the unknown is so terrifying? Why is it that when someone doesn’t go ‘by the book’ it’s already doomed? It’s already off course.  Already a failure.  It’s simply not true.  The brilliance of humanity is that we seem to find happiness and stability despite whatever path we choose.  No matter where we live, what we do, who we love and how we prepare for the future.  With the word, ‘stability' I don’t mean financially.  I don’t mean relationally.  I mean finding your own unique balance throughout your life.  

Think of a dancer.  Without strengthening their core, a dancer cannot perform to their full abilities or extensions.  They can raise their arms and kick their legs all they want…but to do so with strength and grace it couldn’t be possible without a solid core.  In my life I see my core as a number of things; my heart, my instinct, my brain, my psychological and my physical health.  When life throws shit my way the reaction I have has the power to either grow me or pull me back. And I’ll easily admit…I’m not the best at reacting.  I’ve gotten better.  When I saw the pictures from the Tony’s I could’ve easily sank into my dark place and brood about the fat spilling from my armpits and my crooked teeth showing from my ‘bad side’.  But.  I breathed. I had my small moment of looking at the picture.  Closing my eyes and telling myself, “YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS.”  And it worked.

It’s taken me years to learn how to do.  I’m not master at it.  But it freaking worked.  I didn’t want to spoil those amazing memories with the worry of not looking how I should’ve.  And to what standard was I holding myself? A Victoria’s Secret Model?? (shut up you know you love them too) Well, yes. There’s no such thing as truly believing your beautiful only IF you look like someone else. IF I’m the same dress size as so-and-so then I’ll be beautiful.  It’s fake. False. Wrong. 


Let that be the repeated phrase of this blog.  I see you all on instagram and twitter.  We make up the hundreds of thousands of followers that the Jenners have.  That Chrissy Teigen and the endless 'fitspiration' models have.  Following them isn't the problem.  It’s using them as a standard.  Using celebrities as your bar of beauty and bar of acceptance? How is that fair to you? To be honest…it has nothing to do with you. The celebrities’ job requires them to be beautiful and current.  Sometimes to maintain their social status no matter what they have to compensate;  nose job + (any facial surgery) = success. Or maybe social media in general is all too much? Fine. Great. Delete it all and give yourself a break. You deserve it.  You have the blessed choice to love yourself as you are.  With no one else in the picture.  With no one else to compare yourself too. In fact, how wonderful would it be to look at an old picture of yourself and see it with love and say, ‘Wow. Look how far we’ve come.’

Again, you have no idea how shocked I was (and still am) at the amount of emails you guys are sending me and how they are full of vulnerability and honesty! I am so proud of you all! Really. I may not know you, but I love you very much.  Without you guys I would not be where I am today.  And I hope we can continue to walk this together. I never want you to feel scared to approach me or talk to me.  It’s an honor to be where I am today. 

In the meantime, I wish everyone an amazing weekend. If I can challenge you with anything it's filtering your social media. Seriously.  Celebrities that have nothing but a negative affect on you NEED TO GO. Buh-bye. Unfollow.  Not sure if it’s a negative page? If you scroll through the pictures telling yourself you'll never be that beautiful and because you don't mirror him/her you're already a failure then CLICK UNFOLLOW.  Also for those of you with an amazon account check out Audible. You can sign up for free as a trial and then pay a sensible monthly membership fee. Needless to say, I am obsessed now with audiobooks. My recommendation to YOU is “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown. (see image) It is incredible and has infiltrated parts of me that I didn’t know were thirsty and exposed. Top five life changing books.

Available on Audible.com through Amazon

Available on Audible.com through Amazon

Well that’s that.  Talk soon you beauties.

E x 












E: So, Devin...What do you love most about theatre?

D: You can learn a lot about real life and your life by watching other peoples lives. And it doesn’t have to be real but it can be real to you and I love that.

E: Same with performing?

D: I love being able to inhabit other peoples lives and being able to live out realities that are not mine.  Exploring different life paths that may never be mine.  Also trying to bring a life to life, and imagining someone fully. It’s so fascinating to me because it helps me meander my own life offstage.

E: So you find connections between performing and real life as Devin?

D: Yeah, absolutely. And sometimes it doesn’t manifest itself until years later.  I look back at a performance and I go ‘oh wow” i was going through that at that time in my life. Or I understand this now. And it totally enriches your experience all around of both the show and then yourself in your life. And it makes you far more forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes and also understanding of yourself when you make achievements in your life.

E: You’ve got a positively potent energy. How important is energy to you and can you describe what energy you bring?

D:  I think in color often. I love blue. Not because its sad, because it’s calming and surrounding. I was told in college, that I was very yellow. I was very ‘celebration’ and ‘springtime’ and I loved the idea, not of being green but being two separate colors that can be looked at so differently- like yin and yang. A dark and bright that work together, that don't blend to become green but are actually coexisting.  I like thinking of my energy like ‘okay, are you feeling fiery and red now?’ I can put it to use at work or let that subside so I’m not letting my emotions take control.

For my room, I try to space clear once a week, with sage to release good intentions in the space. I try to share that energy with everyone who comes in. I love an idea of an open door policy.  Keeping the door open lets my good energy profade into the space, but also to share it with others and let them share it on as well. Of all the things in my life that make me centered and happy in life are people. People are always welcome. They see pictures of people who make me happy and remind me of good times in life. Also diffusing different essential oil depending on my mood. I love the Young living Sacred mountain oil right now - really calming.  

Some of Devin's pictures in his dressing room.   

Some of Devin's pictures in his dressing room.   

E: How are you able to prepare yourself for the show?

D: That’s case by case. There’s no formula. Cause you never really know. There are days when you feel really off and you say ‘it’s probably the weather’.  There are some days when you can turn it off, go to the gym, build up some good positive energy and come to work and beat it.  Some days you just want to stew and allow yourself to feel down, and have a good cry even if you don’t know why you’re crying! There are some times when you don’t have to beat it.  I try to meditate twenty minutes a day to step outside myself and watch myself and observe and question, ‘where are you at today?’ But that doesn’t mean answer it…just notice it. I think one technique I work on is called noting (Nod to the Headspace App!) You note, ‘oh I’m not where I am right now, I’m just thinking about something else…oh. Suddenly I know exactly where I am right now.’ You acknowledge it and move on rather than become overcome by it.  I like routine. I diffuse my oils, I turn on my humidifier and I steam for ten minutes.  These things help me feel ready for the show.

E: How do you cool down after a show?

D: I’m lucky that I end relatively early in the show during Act II.  I try to eat something. I have a couple of books that I try to read. I try NOT to go on social media, but you do sometimes.  I try to get back to normal.  Sometimes you get caught in the show or what’s going on within the show.  Even the stresses of the day.  I realize its almost over.  

The handsome actor in his reading nook.  

The handsome actor in his reading nook.  

E:  How has performing changed you?

D:  It’s made me so much more empathic and understanding of others.  You can watch the characters and what they do to you in your real life. A show does that sometimes.  You find it within your vessel and making it real. Especially when you're doing a really down show that requires a lot of depth, pain and hurt..it’s in those moments where it might bring you to a place where you’re dark in your own life.  And you stop and say, ‘OMG I understand that in other people so much more.’  And it It makes you not only forgiving, but understanding and also supportive of people.  Or when you’re in that place.  Also kindness. Not only to yourself but in everything you do.  This business is huge on criticism.  Sometimes its so hard to find that encouragement.  Art is hard work.  Because thats when you start to question how it’s affecting you and affecting other people.  

E:  What’s something about you that most people won’t know?

D:  The first thing that comes to mind is that I have a lot of depth, but that comes from a lot of pain. But I think people see and understand that.  Secondly, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life and in my life.  And its not a down thing. It’s kind of wonderful. I’m trying to keep all my horizons open to see what I want to do artistically. But also where do I want to go, who do I want to meet, who do I want to be in my life? Now I see free form is so much better then structure.  

E:  Amazing. I love that.  Now to close out…if you were to have a quote that represents you what would it be?

D:  Oh God. A single word. Mabuhay. It’s Tagalog. Long life. Good life. Live your life. Life is good. Make life worth it.  

Devin Ilaw is currently playing Thuy in Broadway’s Revival of Miss Saigon at the Broadway Theatre.  He plans to get a tattoo of Mabuhay repeated in the handwritten script of his loved ones.