We all love fresh pages. We all love an empty, crisp new page in a notebook, or even on any typing app on your computer. Why? It encourages creativity. It persuades us to make mistakes and color them with our thoughts and ideas. It's healthy and it's new and it excites all of our senses.
Lately I've realized how terrible I am at knowing when I have a new page. In times like now, where I reach for anger quicker, where my patience has run out and when I have enough free time to think about how much better I could be, I would never consider this to be a 'fresh page'. It's more overflowing with stress and pushing me into a corner where I can't think straight. I knew some change had to be made. I am quick to lash out. Especially to myself. I get angry easily at my body and I blame IT for my lack of work, lack of energy and inspiration. I'm angry at my head for thinking too quickly. It goes to the worst first and I don't aim to be like that.
Nothing stupendous happened to have me realize a slight shift needed to happen. I just woke up. And i was tired of giving myself shit. I felt my body was warm from a good nights sleep. It was healthy and ready for a new day. I had a responsibility to dust the shit sprinkles off my brain and train it to be stronger. So I started small. And that was the first CLEAN page I had given myself in a long time.
I realized they were everywhere.
New page when I woke up. New page after a workout or shower. New page when my favourite song came or when I ate something scrumptious. A new page when I sat in silence and saw something beautiful. My pages were everywhere and small or large as the chapters would be, it would all come together to catch up to today; twenty-two, happy, hormonal, fiesty, unemployed, travelling and in constant recovery.
It is a glorious feeling. Like reading a book you can't put down. It takes you up and down. Sometimes you have to put it down to take a breather. Totally, fine. And encouraged.
I know this year is flying by, but life will too. We've learned far too much to keep putting ourselves in corners. Give yourself the gift of a fresh page. Create something. Or just simply be. Mess ups and all.
In relapse there is a fresh page. In heartbreak there will be a fresh page. And you are human. This isn't anything but a reminder to give yourself that grace period.
It IS okay. You WILL BE okay. Even in my pain. Even in your distress where you can't speak or leave the house, remember you have a new page waiting for you whenever you want it. And no one else can fuck with it. It's yours. It's yours.