Cutting Through the Noise

Last Tuesday May 2, 2017;  I, Eva Noblezada was nominated for a Tony award.  

A TONY award.

Personally, it’s overwhelming in the best way.  And with all the business that comes with awards season, I’m doing my best not to get lost in all of the noise. I’ll only say this; for me THIS is a win. Just the recognition for the show.  For my colleagues and all of the work put into it.  I am not only surprised but hugely hugely thankful to even be on Broadway.  So to be nominated is beyond words.  I immediately see my supportive family.  They’re my rock.  My colleagues in every show I’ve been in.  You know who you are. The family and friends I made in London.  My beautiful souled boyfriend.  That’s who it’s for.  

That’s all you’re going to hear about it okay? 

Okay. Now to what I wanted to write about.

I absolutely love getting to meet everyone here.  Theatre goers, actors and performers and so many more sassy New Yorkers that make me feel at home.  Home.  That’s something that I am always asked. 

“How are you liking New York?” I’m always asked.  

And when I first moved here my immediate reaction was, “It’s amazing! I love it!”

But I hate to break it to you.  I like it.  But I’m sorry NYC…it’s not love.

I understand I haven’t been here too long.  I haven’t made my trek to Harlem yet, I don’t know where my favorite deli is and I hate Times Square.  I was wondering for ages, ‘why don’t I feel at home?’ 

You may or may not know that I left a massive piece of my heart in London.  Everything about that city I fell in love with.  The people, the food, the atmosphere and lifestyle and my favorite little spots.  

I’ll tell you something that not many people know…that first year in London I was only seventeen. I was a baby.  Most of you may think that would be the best year of my life.

 It wasn’t. It was the toughest.  

A seventeen year old girl.  Not yet woman, not yet understanding how living an independent life works to her own advantage.  Not even knowing how to do her own laundry.  I was stood in front of a mirror, literally and had each and every single one of my flaws exposed.  

“FAT”, “UGLY”, “UNQUALIFIED”, “UNTALENTED”, “TOO YOUNG”, “CHUBBY”, “UNDESERVING”.

 I heard all of my demons screaming at me from every direction.  And I listened to them for the next few years. It took me a long time to tear myself away from self-deprecation.  I know we all fall victim to it. I know I’m not the only one.  But how was I going to make the most of that amazing opportunity that had been put in front of me?

Look, I’m still figuring it out.  But I did manage to hold onto several things that got me through that tough period.  

I WILL NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO ANYONE ELSE. This is something I tell everyone. It’s only natural to compare yourself to others, but it shouldn’t be. We are all born with so many strengths and individual beauty.  I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit and self love.  Speaking of love.

LOVE YOURSELF MORE IN ORDER TO LOVE OTHERS.  RuPaul has made his tagline famous and I obviously completely agree. You can’t give anything to anyone else without filling yourself up first.  You are more important than you believe you are.  You are more beautiful than you think you are.

I AM F*&$@%G BEAUTIFUL.  Okay. This one is the hardest.  And even though I still struggle with all of these mini challenges, I find this one the worst.  You may look at yourself and tell yourself that you’re ‘too’ different. Whatever the hell that means haha. But we ALL do it. We’re always not good enough.  We’re always too much of something we don’t like.  Step back.  When you put a 10x mirror scope on your insecurities of course you’ll feel smaller.  I’m telling you this now. You will never look like that (photoshopped and fake) woman on the magazine.  And that is a GOOD thing. Will forcing change on yourself make you happy? 

As silly as I am, sometimes by saying I wish I looked like that so-and-so bikini model I know deep down that I would never ever be truly satisfied.  The day I learned how to love myself and my body, I saved so many tears. (I'm still learning;) ) So many wasted moments to enjoy my life and let irrelevant things like dress size determine how I live to my potential. 

Don’t think I’m steam rolling anxiety, eating disorders or any other demons that hold you back.  I suffered with bulimia from sixteen to nineteen.  So bad at one point I couldn’t sing for two weeks because of all the damage I had done to my throat and vocal chords.  I stand with you guys.  You are not alone.  But you are also the only person who can truly love yourself. 

Now after reading this let me ask YOU something.  

What changes can be made? We can’t immediately change what Vogue photoshops. (& I’m an avid Vogue reader so I get it) How can we influence others? And more importantly, what inspires YOU to love yourself? For me it’s yoga. It’s a good bottle of Malbec and good conversation. It’s finding new hobbies. It’s my friends and family. Tell me what makes you feel at peace. Books? Crafts? Music? TELL ME TELL ME by going to the contact page.  

Well, then. Until our next chat.

E x